Spring Cleaning for Your Mind

Originally Published by Polly Campbell on Psychology Today, April 22, 2022/Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key Points

• Identifying what’s behind your negative feelings can help reveal limiting beliefs.
• Research shows that our beliefs, thoughts, and expectations can change our perceptions and behavior.
• Reframing the beliefs that cause distress can help you reinterpret your world.

It snowed in the Oregon Valley three days after I cleaned my golf clubs.

Never can tell what will happen. Though it’s too wet to hit the links, it’s a good time for some spring cleaning.

I’m not ready to clean the cupboards. Too wet to wash the windows.

No, the clutter I need to get rid of first is all in my mind.

Years ago, I did a cleanse. Limited the types of foods I ate for 10 days to release the toxins from my body. And it’s routine to clean out the closets, ridding ourselves of worn clothes that no longer fit—college sweatshirt, I’m looking at you.

But how often do we really examine our thoughts and get rid of the mental clutter that keeps us stuck, the ideas that no longer serve us?

I’m doing that this spring. A little metal detox. Spring cleaning for the mind to encourage more creativity, confidence, and calm. Cleaning out the mental clutter and dropping the beliefs that get in our way also helps us get clear about where we are and what we can do next.

Building better beliefs to support healthy behaviors.

This is all a big deal. Why? Because every feeling, every behavior starts from a thought or a belief. Often we are not even conscious of them, but they shape our lives by igniting intense emotion that contributes to our decisions, behaviors, and the ways we think of ourselves.

We are prone (thank you, evolution) to a negative bias anyhow, more likely to see the bad, the threat, the problem, at least at first—in ourselves, in our circumstances. We can get stuck in that harmful pattern and begin behaving badly in response to those thoughts.

We read about the devastating war in Ukraine, and because long ago, we attached to the belief that we are small and powerless, we don’t believe we can help, so we don’t.

But that festers. We may wind up snapping at those we love, falling into depression, and behaving in ways that make everything worse. Of course, we are not powerless. Ever. And not in a war where the people are being aided through memes and e-commerce sales of merchandise.

Here’s how a negative thought pattern impacted me just a few months ago. I was three weeks post-surgery and still using a cane. That triggered a barrage of bad thoughts. After all, here I am, working hard to recover, spending hours in physical therapy, and I still can’t walk without a cane. I’m not improving. Not getting stronger.

And, naturally, those thoughts, which were not even true, left me feeling down and frustrated. Tired. I didn’t feel like exercising, so I didn’t. And—you can see where this is going—that slowed my recovery and led to greater pain, the very conditions I was worried about to begin with.

It’s time to clear up the mental clutter.

Here’s how you can do it too.

1. Evaluate how you are feeling. What’s working? What feels sad or frustrating or frightening? Take note of your emotions and how they play out.

2. Feel good. Give thanks for those good things. Not everything you believe is bad.

3. Take a look at the frustrations or more negative feelings. What beliefs are behind them? Often, we buy into thoughts that we adopted long before from a teacher or parent, and they aren’t even true. Follow the negative feelings to uncover those bad beliefs.

4. How do you respond to those thoughts? What happens when you think those things? Do they fill you up with good feelings and energy? Are they motivating? Do they push you toward self-acceptance and compassion or toward self-loathing, anger, frustration, and judgment? No wrong answer here. We all have pressure points that direct us in both negative and positive directions. Just good to know which way you are headed, so you can change the ones you want.

5. Reframe the thoughts that are bringing you down. Me sulking about how I wasn’t recovering fast enough did not, in fact, help me recover any faster. When I recognized the cane was an aid to help me build strength, not a permanent fixture (as it seemed last year), I began moving more, which actually helped me feel stronger and more optimistic (there’s that mind-body connection again) and that led to physical improvement.

This isn’t about glossing over the difficulty. It’s about noticing that other options and possibilities that also persist. Reframing my situation—looking at the same things in a new way—did not make it easier to use the cane. It did not make me more patient. But it did help me to also recognize the progress and appreciate the improvements I was seeing, and that increased my motivation and good feelings.

When we feel better, we do better.

Research has shown that our beliefs, thoughts, and expectations influence how we perceive the world and, therefore, how we behave in it. In this way, our thoughts can create tangible experiences. If you eat a slice of cake for lunch, and you believe that it ruined your diet, and you expect to gain weight, you are more likely to beat yourself up and throw the diet out the window for the day. That can lead to weight gain.

In other words, if you believe you are a weak person for eating a piece of cake, you are less likely to do the things that will support your overall nutrition and health.

But if you believe that one piece of cake was fun and delicious and won’t ruin your diet or health, you are more likely to choose healthier food at dinner, maybe even exercise, and you certainly will feel a whole lot less stressed.

We get to choose what we think, what we believe. So, this spring, let’s clean out the mental clutter that limits us, the ideas that keep us stuck or leave us feeling bad and reframe them into the beliefs that support our growth and joy, and possibility.

I feel groggy in the early mornings, but by 10 a.m. my mind is buzzing with creative energy, my body feels strong and ready for a workout. I feel like I’m just waking up around then and I’m raring to go. Up until around 2 p.m.-ish.

Understanding Our Chronotypes

Some would say I have an intermediate chronotype. A chronotype is a way of describing or labeling the circadian rhythms that affect our internal clocks and influence the body’s response to daylight and darkness. Natural light halts the body’s production of melatonin, helping us to awaken. Melatonin, which is released during darkness causes drowsiness, helping us to sleep.

Most of us are really a blend of chronotypes, but understanding our rhythms can help us identify our waking and sleeping patterns, but also the times we are most productive during the day.

And that might affect our happiness and well-being.

Research shows that rising early can boost mood, lead to greater life satisfaction, and minimize mental health problems. There is also a link between greater well-being in older people who get up early.

So how would you label your patterns? Are you an early bird? Someone who wakes up early, often without an alarm, ready to roll? Most productive in the a.m. hours? My husband is.

Or a night owl? A person like my teen daughter, who could sleep until noon and stay awake and busy into morning hours?

I’ve been all of those chronotypes at one time or another. As we become older, and our physiology, families, and responsibilities change, it’s common for our sleep habits to change too.

I feel my absolute best when I’m asleep by 11 p.m. and up by 7 a.m. I feel most focused and productive between 9 a.m. and noon, often doing my best writing during those hours. In the fall, when I need to drive my daughter to school, my schedule will shift to an earlier-morning alarm.

But, when our schedules change, can we tweak our chronotype and reap the same benefits as the early birds?

It might depend on how well you sleep and how you feel about what you are doing in your life, to begin with, say researchers. If you are rested and excited about what you’ve got going on, it’s easier to pop out of bed and sleep better at night.

I have not been getting restorative sleep, so it’s no surprise that I’m having a hard time dragging myself out of bed in the morning.

Guess the question then is how can we get a better sleep when we do finally go to bed?

Tips for Better Sleep

Experts suggest turning off your digital devices a few hours before bedtime. As I started shifting my schedule to get up earlier in the morning, I’ve begun going to sleep earlier too.

I also have a couple of practices that get me fired up for the day ahead, so that I have something to look forward to when I do wake up.

One is called Tomorrow Optimism. Before I close my eyes at night, I give some thought to one thing I’m looking forward to the following day. I spend time imagining it.

And, my morning ritual helps me get out of bed and get focused and excited for the day. That ritual includes quiet time enjoying a good, strong cup of coffee, and a short meditation. I write Morning Pages and then take a few minutes to read something that piques my curiosity or inspires me. This all takes less than an hour.

Sometimes I even go outside in those early morning hours or sit in a sunny window and soak up the natural light.

Will all of this help me change my chronotype by fall? Who knows? But I do know if I get quality sleep and do things during my times of peak productivity each day that feel meaningful and satisfying, I’m bound to feel better anyhow.

This article originally appeared in Psychology Today.

There were tears. She took some time to vent to me. A few minutes to complain. Then I saw something interesting. She calmed herself. Made a joke. Expressed gratitude that she didn’t have bigger problems. Then made a plan to talk to her teacher and improve her skills.

This was a change from the kid I was watching deal with disappointment a year ago. That one was reluctant to take responsibility. The one who smoldered in anger. Blamed others.

We expect our kids to learn and grow. Hope for it. But, many of us will also grow through adversity, and even thrive after trauma. It’s happened in this last year repeatedly, as we’ve searched for ways to get our bearings, to ground ourselves when everything around us is changing by the day. Psychologists call it post-traumatic growth.

This kind of growth doesn’t mean we get through challenges unscathed. It’s been a scary and painful time, for everyone, in one way or another. We will be living with the effects of a pandemic for years. Trauma, defined as an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, attack, natural disaster, or other life-altering happenings, is painful and can be debilitating.

Immediately, we have may experience disbelief, shock, even denial. As time moves on, people who have experienced trauma may have headaches and other physical symptoms, emotional ups and downs, flashbacks, and even relationship problems.

Trauma does leave its mark. But the marks may not be all bad. There can also be growth.

The Good in the Bad

In one study, researchers surveyed nearly 385 people who experienced financial adversity during the pandemic lockdowns, even while working full-time. These people are also the parents or primary caregivers to young children who were being homeschooled. And those surveyed had either been sick with COVID-19 or had a loved one with the disease. Despite all of this adversity, 88% of the people surveyed say they also experienced some positive outcomes.

Many who were surveyed said they now have stronger family relationships and a greater appreciation for life. Some said they experienced spiritual growth and 11% reported that they “embraced” or discovered new opportunities.

Hardship challenges us to adapt, respond, and find other ways to cope. When we do, we become not only capable of healing the trauma associated with it but also thriving again. We build resilience, confidence, and experience that will help us the next time we face adversity—because there will be the next time.

The traumas in our lives can be devastating. And, they can teach us what we are capable of. That is always so much bigger and more powerful than what we know when we are in the middle of the pain.

It emerges later when we stand up and examine what we’ve done. How we’ve survived. What we’ve experienced and been through. And when we recognize our growth, we can be deliberate going forward to preserve what we have learned.

This leaves room for new perspectives, humor, creativity. For authenticity and even calm. Because now we know that even when things are hard, we can get through it.

In the parking lot, one arm dangling out the window of my green Mazda, I called my parents on the flip phone.

“Great,” Dad said. “Here’s your mother.”

“Pretty exciting,” said Mom.

“You’d better hang on to that job of yours now. You’ve got a house payment to make.”

She knew I’d been unhappy in my public relations position and that I wanted to go out on my own and work as a full-time writer. What she didn’t know was that I had already resigned from my public relations position.

I had no savings. No other income. No clients. I’d done a lot of work to prepare. I knew some of what I was up against, but knowledge wouldn’t pay the bills. This isn’t an endorsement of that decision.

But I believed I would succeed and that optimistic outlook made the difference.

We all fall on the spectrum somewhere between optimism and pessimism, and surprisingly, research shows most of us tend to lean a little more toward the positive side of things. I do.

But that doesn’t mean I’m blissfully happy, or even cheery. Plenty of negative thoughts keep me awake at night. Those things motivate me too because, like most optimists, I believe my efforts can make a positive impact.

Optimism, you see, isn’t only about attitude, it’s also about our behavior. I can feel negative about my health and still go to the gym to exercise because as an optimist I believe my actions can improve things. If I work out, I’ll get healthier. Then, I’ll feel better. By choosing optimistic actions, I create better outcomes that lead to better feelings, resulting in the creation of more things to feel good about.

Optimists, according to researchers, tend to do the things they need to do to reach their goals because, notably, they believe it will make a positive difference. They believe their efforts matter, so they get off the couch and get moving. They engage with the world.

These kinds of action-oriented approaches may also help optimists live longer, according to research.

Optimists often eat healthier, stop smoking more frequently, exercise more often, and manage stress in a way that doesn’t decimate their nervous systems or immune function.

Optimism was the only edge I had when starting my writing business. Though my stomach ached with anxiety at times and I was filled with self-doubt, I kept at it. I worked long hours, studied, practiced, hustled. I took small jobs nobody wanted. I did the dreaded cold calls. I diversified, writing newspaper articles and brochure copy and corporate newsletter articles. I made a lot of mistakes. Big stupid ones. But I learned. Adapted. Kept going. Believing that my persistence would pay off.

But the myth that you must always be cheery and happy to be optimistic gives optimism a bad look, because who can do that? Hard things happen. I feel bad sometimes. Depressed even. Still, I can behave optimistically even when I’m feeling pessimistic.

I don’t worry if the glass is half full or half empty. I figure it’s refillable, and next time I’ll get a margarita.

To understand optimism is a behavior and an attitude is such a relief. It means that even on my bad days, I can still persist, create, contribute, and succeed.

This requires deliberate action, though. When I fall into a rut and don’t feel like anything I do matters because the world is going to end anyhow, I remind myself of the power of optimism. Here’s how.

• Practice gratitude. This is the easiest way for me to move the optimism dial up a notch. Give thanks. For your breath, for the cat sitting on the page you are trying to read, for your shoes. It doesn’t matter. Pause. Become aware. Then list it, say it, or sing it, whatever works, just leave time each day to take in what is good.
• Adopt a growth mindset. When we can see setbacks or failures as learning opportunities rather than a reflection of our own character flaws and limitations, we feel better, sure. But it’s also motivating because we are more excited to try again, knowing that we can learn what we need to know to improve. When something isn’t working, just say, “I just haven’t figured it out… yet.”Whenever I have a proposal rejected, I do this, reminding myself, “It just isn’t ready yet.” Then I get busy making it better to send out again.
• Take a minute for some “best-selfies.” Put down the phone, drop the camera, pick up your notepad, and turn on your imagination. I read about this practice in a study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry and have been doing it ever since. Start fantasizing about your best self. What will you and your best life look like five or ten years from now? Get specific, but stay focused on a positive future, rather than the challenges you’ve faced in the past. Take a minute to think about how healthy and energetic you are (five years out), how your book has become a bestseller and your husband is adorable and you’ve got checks worth $3,250 filling your mailbox each day and your hair is styling and your team is winning. Whatever it is, create the best possible life in your imagination and feel your optimism increase.

It’s been nearly 29 years now. And the writing gig? It’s worked out. I’ve written some books. Thousands of articles. Now, a podcast. Never missed a house payment—sold that little home years ago for something a tad bigger.

There have been setbacks, for sure. Disappointments, yep. Worries, at times. But I always believed I could find my way through. I still do today. Maybe that’s why I have.

Seriously, in this vast world of culinary opportunities, I had nothing. Not a single idea. Nothing inspired me or sounded good.

Everything seemed exhausting and hard and boring. Blah. And,  I just didn’t have the bandwidth to come up with anything else except tacos. Again. We eat them. All. The. Time.

We have a partnership here. Everybody pitches in, so I have a lot of support with the dishes and shopping and laundry, but cooking is on me. And last week, the pressure of coming up with another meal on another day just felt like too much. I was plumb out of ideas, bored by all of them. It was a little thing, sure, but it illustrates how I was feeling about work and quarantine and the daily routine. I was drained, exhausted, and worn.

This isn’t a new feeling. Been stuck before. Will be again. Even wrote a book about how to recharge and get unstuck in early pandemic season. I live by the principles, knowing that the energy of life ebbs and flows. It doesn’t have to be scary or lead to sickness or upset. When we recognize that fatigue, those feelings of burnout that come from doing so much for so long and holding so much stress, we can cope and move beyond them.

Get Curious to Get Going

Instead of making tacos–again–I put one of my favorite recharge practices in place that day and did the easiest thing I could do in that moment. I got curious.

Curiosity allows us to engage with the moments of our lives, to invite novelty in. It moves us to a place of participation and experience, and in the process, research shows curious people tend to be happier, more, empathetic, healthier.

But here’s the big thing for me: Curiosity inspires learning. Motivates us to look at the old, mundane routines in new ways. And new perspectives are energizing.

Wanting to know more about something pushes us toward that rabbit hole of associations and ideas. New people and places. Growth. And the discovery of things that are helpful, funny, surprising, or unexpected.

So how, when we are seated firmly on the couch tired and complaining, can we invoke this curious feeling and use it to inspire our lives?

Start with a question.

And if you aren’t sincerely interested in, say, what to make for dinner—again—fake it.

To solve the “what-can-I-make-for-dinner problem,” for example, I decided to surround myself with some inspiration and I pulled down my mother-in-law’s old cookbook. Yes, like any good cookbook, it was filled with recipe ideas. But it was filled with a lot more.

She had written notes, in her diligent cursive, adapting recipes to her boys’ tastes. There were recipes passed down from her mother. Insights into the family.

I cooked Spanish rice. But the conversations at the dinner table with my husband and daughter that night were more important than any food. My husband told stories, shared things I’d never heard before. The tales were fascinating and fun and added novelty and intrigue to our regular dinnertime ritual.

My husband, who I’ve been with for nearly 20 years, and I had new things to talk about. We learned about each other. And it deepened our connection. Research shows curiosity, aside from boosting happiness and health, also builds empathy and enhances relationships. I felt it that night.

Take time to question your ideas, to wonder about your feelings and experience, to challenge the familiar. And ask about others too and then listen well to their answers. That curiosity will help you connect in a new way and lead you out of that stuck place.

Four Ways to Ignite Your Curiosity

There are many ways to ignite curiosity. Here are a few you can use to get unstuck.

Add something fun to the dullest job. First, you have to get curious about what that would be, right? When I had a series of business reports to write, I left my ukulele on my desk. And after each page I completed, I’d strum the uke for a few minutes. I didn’t get good, but I did get curious about playing a tune and that prompted me to learn a short song, which I could play by the end of the day. This was satisfying and fun and eased my stress by making it easier to work through the reports.

Mix it up. I’m a fan of writing and true crime podcasts, but yesterday I listened to one about music, and another about pop culture. Which spurred another project idea and had me totally engaged. Often, we become stuck because we become so familiar with our own lives. Our work, our routines, our houses, and our relationships. We tend to overlook their nuances, this leaves us feeling dull and burned out.

Recharge by doing the same old things differently. I love to read mystery books, but I recently popped an interesting memoir into my reading list and it sparked a whole new line of thinking. I write nonfiction but have also started sketching just a few minutes a day. I won’t show anyone my art, but that’s not the point.

It was something I’d never done and wanted to learn. That’s a good question to ask yourself when you are stymied. “What is something I’ve always wanted to learn to do?”

Then take a step toward that thing.

When I asked myself that question I realized I wanted to be able to draw simple sketches to accompany my journal entries. I was surprised by that realization. Immediately watched a beginning drawers video on YouTube, and got sucked into something fun and new.

Our energy and physical and emotional resources are going to fluctuate throughout our lives, but we don’t have to stay stuck in the doldrums. By nurturing our curiosity, by deliberately calling on this quality, we also build greater resilience. Curiosity motivates us to learn, adapt, explore new ways of living, coping, surviving, thriving.

This means, we can all recharge, we can overcome burnout and manage our stress and feeling inspired and engaged again no matter what we face in life.

Curious about how you can do it in your own life? Well, then, that’s a start.

Two hours! What should I do? Meditate? Exercise? Read?

No. Obviously, I should binge-watch shows on the streaming service we began to pipe in during the pandemic.

Yes. I rarely get time to watch the edgy, dark shows I’m curious about and the British procedurals that I like, so that’s what I would do.

Only I didn’t. Because as I cycled through the possibilities, I began to feel my neck ache. My shoulders tightened. And I was fidgeting with impatience.

Scrolling. There’s one. Nope. Doesn’t fit my mood. Scrolling. Maybe this? Nope. Argh. I couldn’t decide what to watch, and I felt upset with myself that I was spending the little time I had stressing about my streaming service choices.

Stressed and Unsatisfied

Finally, after a few minutes spent trying to pick a program to enjoy, I came up with—nothing. It wasn’t hard to find some interesting programs; I mean, I wasn’t looking at elite award winners, didn’t care if I watched the best one. But I had a hard time deciding on any. I shut off the television and opened the book instead. Deciding not to decide felt like the best option of all.

New research led by Thomas Saltsman, a psychology researcher at the University of Buffalo, found that satisficers, defined as those who do limited research or give limited thought before picking a “good-enough” choice, feel more threatened and uncomfortable than maximizers or those who search extensively to find what they consider the best option.

Other research has indicated maximizers would experience the greatest amount of stress and decision insecurity because of the time and thought spent weighing dozens of options. But nope, when it came to choosing a streaming show, I cut the search early to avoid the discomfort caused by too many choices. Instead of picking any one that would have been good enough, I had to get out of there and avoid picking anything at all.

The more choices we have, the more difficult it can become to process the information to help us select the ideal option. This is exhausting—and one reason I don’t like to shop. Just give me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt or colored shirt.

When faced with multiple choices, we also tend to feel less satisfied—buyers remorse anyone?—and more like we’ve made a mistake and picked the wrong option, according to psychologist Sheena Iyengar from Columbia University. I’ve often felt pressure around even the simplest decisions, quickly moving into a “just-pick-one” stance to move on and move forward. While the so-called biggest decisions tend to be easier for me to deal with. The options appear clearer, perhaps.

In reality, the multitude of decisions we make every day may not matter a whole lot to our happiness. We tend to worry, research, and even agonize about decisions big and small, anticipating potential outcomes, so we can avoid making the wrong decisions. But rarely do we accurately predict the impact of our decisions, either good or bad. Psychologist Daniel Gilbert says the consequences of our decisions—whether trivial or significant—are not as intense as we expect.

But now, I’m working to do what Saltsman suggests and become a little more mindful and less reactive around any decision. To be more curious rather than obsessive. Somedays, I’ll be a maximizer, like when it comes to selecting the best doctor for my unique health challenges. Other times, I’ll be a satisficer, picking one of the many award-winning books I have on my shelf. But every day, I’m going to notice how I’m approaching these matters.

Our emotions weigh heavily into what we’ll pick and how we’ll decide. When angry, we tend to make different decisions than we do when we are feeling happy in love. Emotions are an important part of decision making and shouldn’t be overlooked, but it’s worth slowing down long enough to notice what it is we are feeling and why, so we can account for them or wait until they ease.

And with your emotions in check, you might be able to rely on your intuitive sense to guide you, or you at least might be freed up intellectually to consider an alternate perspective or give it up altogether and go do something else that feels good.

That’s what I did that day. I picked up a book. Enjoyed the quiet time reading while my family was gone. In the end, the choice was easy.  Yeah. Right.

Allowing time for things you enjoy is essential to well-being.

I’m reading more during the pandemic. Not just the few minutes at bedtime when tired eyes make the words hard to follow, but also after work, before dinner. Saturday mornings before the others are up.

I’m also spending more time outside. And cooking. Playing the ukulele. And having deeper, more interesting conversations with my husband. I spend more time loving the cat. Playing cards with my kid. And all this just feels good.

Yes, even with the stress, disappointments, and concerns over COVID-19, diminishing returns on my work, and the health of my aging parents, I feel happy.

I didn’t know what it was before. This kind of happiness feels misplaced during a time of so much change and upheaval. I noticed only that I was less reactive. I was feeling calmer, more grounded.

Perhaps, I thought, it’s because I’ve had a little more time to relax. I’m not commuting to work appearances or meetings, no back-to-school nights, or gym workouts. I’m not frantically cooking dinner in the minutes after work before my husband needs to leave for his running club. There is no longer a running club. Mostly, we stay home now.

Life pre-COVID was full and interesting, for sure. I miss hugs with my parents and long dinners with friends. I miss hearing my daughter’s stories about school and watching her play soccer.

But the forced withdrawal has given me some space in my schedule, and I’m filling it with things I enjoy. Things that, in the past, would have felt lazy or unnecessary.

Those so-called lazy activities now feel as important and meaningful as the goal-directed, focused tasks I spent most of my days doing.

A new study from the University of Zurich and Radboud University in the Netherlands led by motivational psychologist Katharina Bernecker found that our capacity to enjoy simple pleasures—things that cultivate hedonistic happiness without the distraction—is essential to our happiness and well-being.

Pursuing meaningful goals, creating habits that support our values and desires—such as eating healthier foods to achieve weight-loss—and cultivating the self-control needed to accomplish our objectives make for a happier and more satisfying life too.

But Bernecker’s research indicates a balance is essential. That’s something I’ve rarely had. I’ve been dogged in pursuit of long-term goals, often forgoing my immediate desires to relax, or indulge in a treat, or sleep in on a Saturday, in favor of pressing on with the work or exercise.

I don’t do that anymore. Now, instead of shuttling kids to soccer or school, I’m using that time to create space in my schedule to relax and enjoy. I’m visiting with my daughter, listening to podcasts, reading on the back deck. And I’ve become more mindful of the good things in life, wedged between the challenges.

This time spent to do more of what I enjoy has led to other unexpected shifts too. Rather than feeling so burned out at work, I feel more relaxed and motivated. I have greater clarity and responsiveness. I’m no longer as impatient, reactive, frantic.

A Balance of Both

In the study, Bernecker says, “the pursuit of hedonic and long-term goals needn’t conflict with one another. Our research shows that both are important and can complement each other in achieving well-being and good health.”

We must, though, keep the intrusive thoughts, the ones that distract us from experiencing pleasure and savoring the moment, from crowding out our good feelings.

This isn’t easy, but it’s worthwhile. Downtime isn’t a luxury. It isn’t laziness. Reframe it as a way to stay healthy, happy. An approach to help us avoid burnout and manage stress.

And when we feel good and less stressed, our health and well-being improve. Our immune systems function better. When our stress is managed, we are less susceptible to flu and cold viruses, headaches, and chronic conditions.

I felt the changes in my body before I knew why. Now that time spent doing something simply because I enjoy it helps me be healthier, happier, more successful at everything else.

I still hear that inner critic, though. You know, the one who calls us “lazy” when we take a break, or the raspy-voiced inner coach who tells us to “get up and work harder.” Now that I recognize it, I can diffuse the urgency by acknowledging that it’s OK. I will get back on task, finish the job or the chore. The toilets will get cleaned; the post will get written. Right after I enjoy this one precious moment.

Now it’s your turn. Set aside some time to do something fun. Something that brings you pleasure. Protect time on a Saturday afternoon to do whatever you like. Or use the mini-breaks throughout your day to relax, read a few pages in a book, savor a good lunch, or mindfully listen to music by your favorite band during breaks at work.

Life is plenty hard, but by building in the things that help us relax and feel good, we can better manage it all. It’s OK to feel good—and in the end, we’ll be healthier for it.

The best way to honor our life is to enjoy it.

Some activities lead to positive emotions that can help us build resilience.

A few weeks ago, to make the family Zoom call more entertaining, I played the ukulele.

We’ve been sharing our talents—I use the term loosely—during our weekly calls. My mom taught an art lesson, my sister twirled the baton like she did when she was a child. My husband did a fly-tying demonstration.

When it was my turn, I pulled out the ukulele, for the first time in a couple of years. After that Zoom call, I tipped the instrument against my desk instead of putting it away. And I’ve played it every day since.

The practices, usually just a few minutes between work tasks, or calls, are helping me to become a slightly better ukulele player. But there are a couple of other benefits that are even better.

I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago. Playing the uke just a few minutes a day, seemed to change my attitude about everything. Life felt a little lighter.

Now after reading research out of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, I have a better idea why.

After surveying more than 600 Americans, researchers found some are feeling higher rates of loneliness and anxiety—as expected during a pandemic. But others are thriving and feeling more gratitude, appreciation, and other positive emotions that are helping them to feel good during this time.

These are the people, according to the study, who are adding in activities that generally lead to positive emotions. Things like exercise, compelling hobbies, relaxation, safe social connection, helping others, prayer or meditation, and other self-care strategies.

Not only do we enjoy the activity while we are doing it, (mostly, I hate exercise, but I feel proud of myself when I’m working out) but the positive feelings that emerge also help buffer us from the bad, making us more resilient.

The effect is even more powerful for those who are experiencing more negative emotions.

“The more stressed, anxious, lonely or depressed you are, the more it matters that you take time to exercise and care for yourself,” writes Barbara L. Fredrickson, director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology (PEP) lab at the university, and Michael M. Prinzing, a graduate fellow in the lab.

The way to better feelings even in the COVID-era isn’t to deny the fear or confusion, upset, or anxiety. This isn’t about suppression. But we must also deliberately add in positive, life-enhancing activities, according to research. Things we can turn to even when we are feeling low.

The researchers suggest we even write these kinds of self-care activities into our calendars so we are regularly reminded to do them. That helps me too. I schedule exercise in and now, I make sure I have a few minutes free between things to spontaneously play the ukulele.

It’s absorbing, challenging. I’ve got a lot to learn before I’ll be able to play it well, but every time I strum it, I’m engaged. Curious. I also find there isn’t the mental bandwidth for me to think of anything else. During those few minutes I’m wholly focused on this hobby and in the end, that feels like a break. A rest and reprieve from weightier issues.

Turns out the ukulele has become a major coping tool for me. And it’s also replaced one of my bad habits.

It used to be you could find my mindlessly scrolling through social media posts and linked articles during my breaks. I’d wind up ruminating over bad news, upset over the negativity and despair this is also out there, a part of our experience. I’d get stuck in those feelings and feel more stressed. I’d have a harder time focusing on my work too.

Social media can intensify our negative feelings like stress and anxiety, without enhancing our good feelings. The new uke-playing hobby I’ve picked up means I spend less time online. I still read the news from reliable sources at the beginning of the day, but I don’t get involved in the back-and-forth posts about it. I think that’s another reason I’m feeling a bit happier, more grounded, less reactive.

Throughout the day, for just a few minutes at a time, I’m doing something that feels good and interesting. That habit has replaced one that often made me feel bad. Makes sense, right?

Maybe it will work for you too. What interesting, healthy, fun activity can you add into your day to help generate better feelings? Mediate? Sit outside and watch the birds? Play music loudly and dance? Maybe you’ll cook or go for a walk or do cross-stitch or watercolor. Pick something that feels intriguing, positive, challenging, satisfying. Something that enhances your life adds meaning and the benefits will outweigh the bad feelings.