The voice in my head was loud as I wrote the proposal. I was asking for a speaking gig, and self-doubt was spinning through my brain. My inner voice—you know the one—sounds like a bully, saying things like, “Really? Who do you think you are?” “You’re not qualified for this.”
Was it right, my inner voice? Well, no. It rarely is, but that doesn’t stop us from listening and getting anxious. But this time, instead of letting them run amok, I studied those thoughts and picked better ones.
Pick the Balanced Thought Over the Unhelpful One
Psychologists call these kinds of all-or-nothing—if you don’t do this, you’ll never be good enough—thoughts cognitive distortions. They aren’t based on any evidence, and usually, they are not even true— but we sure do get caught up in them, and when we do, we become stressed-out, stuck, and unproductive.
But, it’s not like we can stop thinking about them, says psychologist Dr. Mary Anderson, author of the newly released book The Happy High Achiever: 8 Essentials To Overcome Anxiety, Manage Stress, And Energize Yourself For Success—Without Losing Your Edge. Anderson was a guest on the Simply Said podcast, and she says that our minds fill with thoughts, but we can choose which ones to focus on.
We cannot stop thinking, and the more we try to avoid thoughts that bring us down and make us worried, the more active and louder they become. But what if we made an active choice to notice them and then choose a more balanced thought instead?
Not everything has to be positive all the time. Sometimes we have negative feelings and bad things happen, but within those moments, if we can interrogate the thought, we can use it, instead of letting it use us.
Here’s how to do it:
Notice what you are thinking. What are you telling yourself? How is that making you feel? Which thoughts are causing anxiety? Awareness is the first step.
Poke holes in it. Ask yourself, “Is this thought even accurate?” Challenge it. Look for evidence that shows first that this thought is true, and then think of all the ways in which it is not. Often, we feel anxious because we believe everything we think. Often, our thoughts are not based on fact.
Focus on what matters. We can’t stop thinking, but you can shift your focus from thoughts that hold you back to those that empower you to move forward.
Create a balanced thought. Pick something better and more realistic. For example, instead of thinking, “If I don’t work long days and nights, I won’t be good at the job,” try, “If I organize my priorities and take care of myself at night, I will be more productive and better at work during the day.”
Look for evidence. Find proof to back up your new thought to make it more believable. For example, are there people who get their work done in 40 hours a week or less? Of course. Most weeks, I’m one of them.
Acknowledge reality, but add hope. I love this tip from Dr. A. Things are not perfect, of course, but within the imperfection and challenging days, there is always a “twist of hope.”
Hold onto that, and we can move forward.
Keep at it. You’ve got this.
*This post originally appeared in the Simply Said column at https://pollycampbell.substack.com. Join our free community for more.